character training · Courtship · Family · Healing · holiness v happiness · marriage · The Husband · Wholeness

When You’re Longing To Be Deeply Connected To Each Other : How Real Men With Really Angry Wives Really Act

Back then, I didn’t think I’d ever for one moment be.

Vowed to myself that I’d never, ever: slam those doors, raise my voice, stomp my feet, and walk. away. angry.

Never for one split second ever imagined, that I’d ever be so fumed.

Or that this beast would show its ugly rear in the compound of my home, in the fold of my own skin.

Did they say that broken babies make bent ladies?

I never expected that there’d be nights of driving out into the dark, of circling round and round that beat-up Toyota, just to clear up your one muddled mind.

In those early years of our marriage? I left him with our babies. Not once, but twice.

I left him, worried to death, in the darkest of all my darks.

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My brother and I — we’d both hidden behind closed doors and trembled through those fights.

We’d clung tight and cried silent tears as Daddy’s voice hollered through the hall and the plates crashed down in pairs.

The fights grew wild and our voices grew weak.

And you can be 5, and see all that happen in your home, and think of all those rifts and believe: it must be me.

You can grow up being all that you are and having all that you have, and never knowing how to process anger healthily, never learning how to fight fair intimately, never grasping how you can talk calm and disagree kind and grow in and through those conflicts.

And it’s true —anger kill every romance when you drag it into the marriage bed.

It always starts small.

He says something torpid, and you retort back with something tenebrous.

Then it cooks.

Before you know it, you hear the simmer.

You lose the key and he loses his cool. And then, an eruption?

The wonder of love can get murky through the scrapes of life.

And we can lose the wonder of love when we really choose to be in control. 

That anger surfaces because you feel like you’re not in control.

Because the way to live life in control is to give the key of control to the One who really can control.

The way to live life in control is to give the key of control to the One who really can control.

Love endures long…

And a great marriage takes great work, great nurture and great maturity.

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What did my sister say again about the danger of emotional driving?

I tried texting another sister. She’s overseas, but she’ll understand.

He tried ringing. And I stubbed it out.

He’s in my face, but will he ever understand?

And one thought rummages through my mind: “Are we really meant for each other?”

And yes, you can grow 12 and receive the hope of a new life, and the start of a brand new beginning, and not deeply realise that the grace that saves you is also the grace that sanctifies you. 

And His love that redeems you is exactly the language of health for what repairs you.

You never knew the lies that lay dormant, the causes of all your confusion, the avoidance of all your difficult emotion, until you’ve got your fist in the air, promising that life will never again have you trembling in fear, that relationships will never again make you powerless, victimised, unprotected…

Up until that moment of truth when you hop into the church of your youth that taught you a little differently about love.

Love is a decision, not an emotion. 

Love is a covenant, not a convenience.

Love is a commitment, not a compulsion.

Love is for holiness, not mere happiness.

Real marriage are built not just on hot beds of lust, but on the raw and rough edges of love. 

Real marriage are built not just on hot beds of lust, but on the raw and rough edges of love.

Love keeps no ledger of wrong.

So after driving around for what seemed like an eternity of aimlessness,  I felt silly and headed back home.

I found a little note.

It was an opened screen from a heart I’d broken into two.

He wrote:

“I wonder what sort of day she’s really had….and how tiring it can all be for her. The constant questions, “Mummy, where’s my green pencil?”. The weaning, washing, wiping and how the cycle perpetuates… 

And then there’s me. A fairly selfish, analytical, super-conservative, verbose, generally unemphatic husband who seems to have opinions on everything. Oh and I forgot to mention a bit self-righteous and down-right grumpy at times (when the milk runs out). She must wonder what it’s all about! 

Oh Lord, I pray for my dear wife. I know that I need to be a better husband and father…  I know that taking spiritual leadership isn’t just about demanding time.

A real man, must really care and must really care enough to seek you for the answers. I need your love to fill me so that My love can overflow into her…Help me Lord I pray. I am just a very normal, average, and at times below average guy with a desire to… well, be better…

A smile escaped my face.

Did he say he was verbose? And self-opinionated? Analytical?

His raw honesty softens me up.

Could it be that: real love is about getting real down on your knees, and standing real strong on trying times, until the truth about real love sticks in you, and changes you?

Man that falls on their knees are always man that rises on to lead. 

And doesn’t marriage blossom through deep connection, not just great communication?

Connection is what we long for — not just mere chats. 

When the bedroom door flings open and he walked right in, he straight dropped on his knees like how he usually prays and said: “Where have you been? I’m so so worried about you. And I’m so sorry about judging you.”

Love endures long. 

Marriage builds when we tear walls down, and love grows when we peel layers off.

And it’s true — a chord of 3 strands isn’t easily broken.

And when we interweave marriage on the wooden beam of the Cross, something happens.

The Cross transforms the sinners, repairs the fractured, heals the angry, perfects the proud, verbose, imperfect half and connect the two and make them one.

It really does.

Ways To Connect Deeply:

  1. Start with Last Things First.

    Brush your lips against each other when you greet in the morning, when you walk through the door, when you’re dry and drained.

    Let love begin and end you.

    Practice a good kiss, not a quick peck.

  2. Look at Each Other in the Face, and into the Eyes.

    Stop what your hands are doing and cup each other’s face.

    Look past the exterior right into the interior of each other’s soul.

    Stare away from the screen, and lock into each other’s pupil.

    Then look for the bare, the unspoken, the hidden, the wordless, the greatly misunderstood.

  3. “Tell Me What I Can Do Better?”

    This ought to be the mantra to every conflict resolution.

    Begin with humility – they pay.

    Know that love would show up even when every conceivable wall is built to shut you up and out.

    Guys ought to remember this: that when a woman cusses and rips her roof up, it’s because we’re scared that the roof’s gonna tear down on us, that you are gonna break down on us…so just simply and calmly, offer us the kind reassurance that point us back to Love, to Real Love….

    And God (=Love) is very kind, very patient and very forgiving.

  4. Hear Me Out But Don’t Fix Me Up.

    The secret of what every woman (even the angry ones) want to hear)?

    “Empathise with me but don’t solve my problem for me.

    Tell me it’s complicated, but don’t tell me I’m complicated.”

    Tell Me instead That You Love Me — Warts And All.

    Practice this in a fight: tell each other that you’re safe with each other, that you can a base for each other.

    Rub each other gently with this healing balm: “I love you just the way you are. You are perfect FOR ME just the way you are.”

  5. Tell Me That You Won’t Walk Out On Me When the Going Gets Tough.

    Don’t let the sun go down on you when you’re still angry.

    Try sleeping and holding hands after a fight. Wake up to see who’s still got the hands?

    Whatever happens, anchor in the truth stronger than yourself; the One who won’t break under your weight — Christ who holds you in your weakness with His strength.

    When one is mean, wait for the right time, then point each other to the Word and protect each other from the world.

    And after all the storms subside, and they will, hold fast to the Grace that will put your broken parts right together again.

 

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