The good man I am married to is someone who views his world through the lens of laughter, light-hearted jokes, and doses of good, practical wisdom. Suffering from the not-so-common bilateral bell’s palsy just recently, the Husband penned his thoughts at the climax of his medical uncertainty. His now slow, yet steady recovery continues to remind our family how gracious our good Lord is, and how life is a gift we cannot take for granted.
Post by the Husband
Yesterday the left side of my face started drooping, just as the right side had. Any combination of those made speaking increasingly difficult, and now, with an uncertain and unknown diagnosis and prognosis, I felt immensely sad.
Tears welled up just thinking about all the lovely times I’ve had with my wife and children, andhow all those could change overnight with a medical illness.
I thought about what would happen if I lose my ability to work, or if pain prevents me from doing simple, daily things like typing. Suddenly, everything that makes me who I am could be stripped from me.
I struggled with the thought — aren’t all these things meant to be surrendered to Him who gives me my life to begin with?
Isn’t a life trusting in God also means a life thanking Him for everything that comes my way? Yet so many times, they have become idols preventing me from following and trusting God fully.
I have to admit it; within the human nature there is something inherent in us to self-preserve. Just as we have reflexes to save us from physical danger, there is a reflex within our soul to not surrender control over to someone else, even if that someone else is God.
We all want to be in control. We all want to dictate our being, and not to do that feels so lame, so weak…
“For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.”
Matthew 16:25 (NIV)
And it is a very strange condition to not be able to move my face.
The doctors performed all sorts of investigative tests on me in the hope of ruling out possible tumours and other auto immune diseases, yet they could not do anything to help restore my smile — such a rudimentary function we often take for granted. And now that I am on the verge of potentially losing everything, would holding onto anything preserve at least something?
Or worse, if my condition shifts, and I receive a favourable diagnosis, would my natural instinct be to immediately grab onto everything that was mine — my old life, my way of doing things, my ability to call the shots in life?
O Lord, such is the human state; always trying to self preserve, always going for what is of comfort — but without You, we don’t even seek the help we so desperately need.
I know as human beings we achieve a lot of things in life. We can be in charge of corporations, build great families, write impressive dissertations, and maybe amass a great following, but deep down, we are truly helpless when it comes to our health and mortality.
Perhaps, the only way to surrender our life is to ask for help, His help. To sincerely and honestly plead the help of One who knows the condition of our heart and yet is resolute to love us compassionately and so unconditionally. And in Him we can trust, because as I am learning it now — this is really the only way to live.Jesus is Beautiful